Excel Junkie Top 10 List

I just read Conrad Systems Development’s Access Junkie Top 10 List. I think we need one for Excel Junkies. Here are some candidates for Top 10 Signs You Are an Excel Junkie, in no particular order.

  • When your car breaks down, you open Excel 2003 Power Programming with VBA to learn how to fix it.
  • You try to press F8 on your microwave to step through the cooking process and figure out why your popcorn always burns.
  • You’ve tried to re-write Quicken in Excel.
  • You think in terms of Excel formulas, i.e. =IF(AND(MIN(Temperature, 50)=50, WEEKDAY(NOW(),2)=6, NOT(Rain)),"Play Golf", "Sleep In")
  • You’ve painted gridlines on the floor of your house so you can more accurately refer to specific locations. “Pick up those dirty socks at AC314, then F5 back to A1?
  • You pine for a Control+Z after answering the infamous “Does this make me look fat?” question.
  • When your spouse says “Because I said so” in an argument, you reply:

    I cannot resolve your logic. References in your logic refer to your conclusions, creating a circular reference. Try one of the following: If you accidentally created a circular reference, say OK. I will help you correct the reference. For more information about why your logic stinks, say Help. To continue ranting illogically, say Cancel.

  • You no longer associate the F1 key with help. (Excel 2003 Junkies only)

Certainly you have some that are better than this. Let’s hear them.

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24 thoughts on “Excel Junkie Top 10 List

  1. Your major complaint in life is that the Daily Dose of Excel hasn’t exactly been “daily” lately

    You named your two dogs “MATCH” and “INDEX”

  2. Good ones Mike.

    When rearranging furniture in a room, you refer to the pieces as RowFields, ColumnFields and DataFields.

    You call getting dressed for the day “formatting”. Coats and gloves are in the conditional formatting collection.

    You tap your belt buckle twice expecting to autofit into your pants.

  3. You’ll spend an hour writing VBA code for a newsgroup poster named “xLd0g32?, but you don’t know your neighbor’s name.

  4. Sub MyLife()
    Dim sTumped As String
    sTumped = InputBox(“What’s so funny about this?”, “I don’t get it”)
    End Sub

  5. You surf excelpages instead of the usual male (o female) standard fashion,porn or similar!
    I do that myself, start almost every workday getting my daily dose of excel…..

    Could the statement below be true?
    Exceljunkie = someone that sees working with Excel as fun

  6. When you stumble over bug # 372465 in Excel VBA, you don’t throw out the entire package. Instead, you spend three hours writing 5 pages of code to work around a problem that should work in a single line.

  7. When

    =ISNUMBER(FIND(“myself”,”solving last Xlprobem at 3:00 am”)) = TRUE

  8. YOur file management tool is built with Excel. And your html editor. And your internet radio receiver.

    (Yes, I know I have problems :-)
    Best wishes Harald

  9. On your way to work, you realise you forgot your badge. You go back home to fetch it, and just to make sure you don’t miss anything, log on to Daily Dose of Excel. A totally unnecessary post catches your attention and you make some totally unnecessary comment. You arrive at work an hour later than intended and feel good about it.

  10. When you can’t find the Microsoft logo on a pack of Excel gum you actually spend time looking up whether Microsoft was litigation pending against the gum company.

  11. You get really annoyed when your day job gets in the way of surfing Excel forums :-)

  12. Brett,

    Even Better: Have a shirt with XFD on it. (Last column in Excel 2007)

    That will ensure some curious faces (“Hey, what does that acronym on his shirt stand for?”)!


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