I am an animal lover. I love animals in the zoo, in other people’s houses, and in the wild. I don’t love animals in my house. Pets are like children that never grow up. They never learn to talk, use the bathroom, or balance a checkbook. Many people like pets – more power to them. I like other people’s pets, I just don’t want to be a servant to a pet like those other people seem to be.
So I laid down the law in my house – no pets unless they have gills. My wife heard this proclamation and decided she would never get a cat going through legal channels. In an act of civil disobedience, she brought home a cat. Now what am I supposed to do? I can’t end my marriage over a cat and if I make her get rid of it, she will just resent me for it. I fear I’m stuck with it.
I’ll admit that it’s a pretty cute cat. Of course, I was cute when I was 6 weeks old too. Now look at me. I’m fatter, uglier and I cost a lot more to maintain. As am I, so shall be this cat. Forty bucks for declawing, $60 for spaying (or the other one, I’m not sure), food, litter, toys, vet bills, etc.
Those of you who share my sentiments are pitying me right now. Thank you, I feel the love. The other 95% of you are probably pet owners and think I’m a jerk. It’s okay, I am. Maybe there’s some good that will come out of it. Maybe, over time, I will learn to like pets (e.g. having my house smell like a barn and flushing money down the toilet). I have learned one lesson, however: I should have been more like Dale Carnegie. I shouldn’t have laid down the law, but rather persuaded my wife that she didn’t want a cat. I don’t know if I would have been successful, but I do know that I couldn’t have failed any worse than this.
You know what I hate about blogs? It’s a bunch of people talking about their pets. Now I’ve gone and ruined a perfectly good blog by doing the same thing. Next I’ll be telling you what color my socks are. Thanks for indulging me and I promise not to mention this cat again unless it learns how to use Excel.